


"home", only if you're with me

by Laeana



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Moving Out, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self-Doubt, Slow Burn, Tears, Through the Years, yeah Daniel that isn't in the same building than Max
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:48:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28591287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: “Oh, Max. I didn't tell you ?” and Daniel looks genuinely surprised, “I'm moving. I needed a little change.”And then his little world was falling apart.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 61





	"home", only if you're with me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Iwastemytimereading](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwastemytimereading/gifts).



**I'm never gonna let you close to me**

**Even though you mean the most to me**

**'Cause every time I open up, it hurts**

* * *

Every story has a beginning and an end. 

Max, to tell the truth, would not quite be able to determine the start. When had the feelings in his chest gotten so strong ? He has the impression of not having had any transition, that everything happened at once, without him knowing it, being aware of it. Anyway.

He has the feeling that one day he was laughing a little too hard at a joke Daniel had made, the friendship between them so palpable, and that the next day, smiling in exactly the same way, about something very similar, it was now was liquid love flowing through his veins, almost burning him from the inside.

However, this was done gradually, he is sure. He's sure because he didn't question his sexuality as much before. It was an excruciatingly slow discovery until he realized what was happening one evening in his apartment, Daniel's head against his shoulder, as they watched some movie of which he can't even remember the title, until he realized that it was love.

He almost panicked. He almost got up and had an attack because it wasn't possible to fall in love with his own teammate, but he didn't do anything. He just sat there, frozen in place, struck down, because it made so much sense. He had never met a more beautiful person, inside and out. A sun. Who had given a whole new color to his days.

It was hard for him to resist, to stay that cold, and every day the Aussie had probably gained ground.

The trigger, however, is the departure of Daniel for Renault. 

* * *

**So I'm never gonna get too close to you**

**Even when I mean the most to you**

**In case you go and leave me in the dirt**

* * *

There is nothing much different. Maybe a little distance, but distance is not what scares him or what hurts him. Max is convinced he can fill the gap, whatever it is, again. They weren't what he thought they were. Probably.

There are more serious things.

The 2019 season is hardly moving. They stand at a certain distance from each other, without hoping for too much. Always blocked by these miserable five meters which never manage to fill. Surely that is the price of someone else's understanding. Five meters and impossible to do less. There is too much darkness in the character of a person facing us to be sure that we know them fully.

But these five meters are enough for him, until then. It allows him to smile and laugh and pretend nothing has happened. Just move on. Stay in contact with Daniel and stay by his side, without hurting himself too much. Without letting the love deep in his chest take too definitive a form. Then it would be too late.

The what ifs will be what will heal his ego later. What could have been. A story that will never be. What a marvelous outcome that nothingness, void, emptiness. What a wonderful outcome that just staying and waiting, with languor and the sweet passion that ends up killing us.

And what about 2020 then ? At least at the beginning. Containment sucks. Staying away sucks even more. He observes Daniel's helmet, displayed like a trophy - it is one - folded up in a chair. He wonders if that really means something. If it's not just his disillusions that have become too real. Which went to his head. Painful.

But there is so much going on during the lockdown. He has his own idea of who goes where and when it happens to be right, he sighs, honeyed. Knowing too well the underlying facts and Daniel, yeah. The lure of profit.

Nothing has started, it's a bit of a shame. The pawns have already moved on the chessboard and he contemplates all this from a certain distance. It doesn't change anything for him, Daniel is still so far away.

* * *

**But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry**

**And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry**

* * *

Somewhere, during the summer. Or unless it is July ? July … or August … August, July … Daniel is moving. 

Max feels like his little world is falling apart, turned upside down by too much of a change, so much so that he can't stand it. It was their thing, it was their routine. Living within walking distance of each other, visiting between Grand Prix races, spending time together … that was supposed to be their thing.

He doesn't even learn it by message or call or conversation. Not at all. It would have been nicer than the way he found out. He had to remember sternly that Daniel owed him nothing, absolutely nothing to avoid his face from crumbling right there, right on the spot.

He was coming back from a jog when he passed Daniel, a cardboard box in his arms.

Suddenly, he stopped short, as if struck by lightning. He gauged him from top to bottom, noticing all the details. The tape applied to the box, the writing scribbled in the marker indicating a vague “living room” above.

The last time he saw either of them carrying such items was for his own move in. Daniel absolutely wanted to help him bring his things and it was almost embarrassing. Or it had been, right before the Aussie succeeds he doesn’t know by which miracle to put him at ease. It was quite a way of being. He believes he has never been so relaxed as by his side.

“Dan … are you going somewhere ?”

“Oh, Max. I didn't tell you ?” and Daniel looks genuinely surprised, which is one more stab in his poor heart. “I'm moving. I needed a little change.”

“Oh … where ?”

“Closer to Charles I think, I keep an apartment in Monaco still, of course.”

That is enough to finish him off. Totally. They will no longer have their moments but instead it will be with Charles Leclerc that Daniel will spend some of his evenings, on the fly, when he will feel alone or too bad, when he will need a friend, when he will need someone ...

The thought makes him sick.

* * *

**And every time you walk out, the less I love you**

**Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true**

* * *

To see someone move in where Daniel was hurts him tremendously. Max sees the boxes first, then the profile - a man in his thirties - and his heart swerves in his chest to the moment where it shatters into a thousand pieces.

They were so accomplices. They have spent so many times here. Monaco is a city that he immediately liked, the landscape, the atmosphere … he was happy here. The fact that Daniel was right next to him was just a bonus. A bonus yes but it embellished everything, from his simple days to his very existence.

He looks back, all this time, to be teammates, to be friends, to be able to be more, and he wonders, with the sadness of one who sees his idyll collapsing, if this is the end of them and of all that they were, all they had been.

Each time he passes there it is always the same reminder. The reminder that Daniel is no longer here and that he left him. It is the reminder that from the beginning his feelings didn’t have the right to be, shouldn’t have been, and that they were not shared anyway. He must now return to his daily life, to everything he has always known.

He has to bury his disappointment and leave it behind.

Videos are multiplying. With Michael, frankly ridiculous, Max has always liked Michael, or with Charles, on the other hand that is not okay at all, and jealousy bites his heart like a snake. Venomous. Spreading through his veins.

He is distraught, he has no idea how to get rid of the feelings that flow through him. What to do with it ? What to do with all the love he still has but that has nowhere to go ? Is it possible to die from this surplus of love ? A question he asks himself, probably ridiculous, he would have already died and buried.

He is desperately unhappy on this side of his life. He doesn't say anything about it, he doesn't dare say anything about it. He doesn't think it will change much of what he experiences on a daily basis. He'd rather stay sullen and wait for his feelings to go away than be an idiot who gets rejected because the other person doesn't feel the same way. That’s what would happen to him.

And maybe he's an idiot for having that kind of reasoning.

* * *

**I'm way too good at goodbyes**

* * *

But there you go. If distance is present, sometimes it is not enough to erase feelings or make them less virulent. Sometimes it's just the opposite. The weaning of Daniel doesn’t have a good effect on Max, not at all, and to want to put as much distance between them as possible, it surely hurts the older one.

He doesn't know what to do with himself. He doesn't know what to do to improve the situation. He prefers to just stay at home and the meters separating him from Daniel, previously unbearable, now seem to him like a shelter, an additional security. He's not likely to run into him on his way out of his house, he can't come and see him, except if he really wants to and he's sure that won't happen-

It was never a good idea, from the start. Falling in love with Daniel. He felt like he was hard to love, that opinions were too separate each time it was about him. How could feelings be reciprocated ? There is no way that is happening.

No.

He is already in a certain state of nerves when he opens his front door. Someone was knocking there. And he's not rude to the point of ignoring a person like that even though he's probably not in the capacity to greet anyone.

“Max, hi.”

And especially not Daniel.

He places a hand in front of his mouth and keeps it here strongly. He knows he has turned livid. He hesitates between turning on his heels or slamming the door in his face. Or running away. But the Australian blocks the entrance. 

“Can I enter ?”

He nods his head and then almost automatically invites him to sit down, fetch him a glass of water and his hands shake when he sits on his sofa, right in front of Daniel who has taken the armchair. So close yet so far.

“It's been a while since we last saw each other, huh ? I'm sorry about that, Max. I don't want you to think I wanted to spend less time with you. 

“The house move must have taken you a long time yes …” he murmurs weakly.

“No, I … not that much. I mean, I missed you. Since I know where you live, I thought I should drop by to check on you, mmh ?”

Max nods again but his gaze falls on his hands, clenched in fist on his knees. From there, he doesn’t dare to look up, he can’t do so. He no longer dares to face the object of his thoughts, of so many sleepless nights.

“Max ?”

His throat is so tight. He knows that if he formulates an answer or at least tries, he surely won't finish it. Voice that will break. Words too fuzzy. A secret he kept to himself and which still costs him so, so much. Again.

“Max ? What's the matter ?”

He shakes his head from left to right, but soon it's too much. He feels overwhelmed by his own emotions and has the decency of not wanting Daniel to witness this. He stands up in a certain haste, almost tripping over his own things, but then the Australian holds him back by the wrist, seeing and becoming aware of his tearful eyes for the first time. 

“Max …”

Is he screwing everything up ? Not true ? This is what he is doing. This is probably what he is doing. He's stupid, it's not hard to keep his feelings to himself. He did it for a long time, what would one more minute, one more day cost to him ? Nothing. Nothing except his exhaustion. His fatigue.

“Fuck, Max.”

When Daniel lets out a shaky breath and pulls him to him until he's on his lap, Max realizes he's not screwing up at all. Nothing. In fact, he has before him the best chance of his life, or something that comes close to it. The Australian has wet eyes, too, and his arms close around him without him having a chance to say anything. Not that he would be able to actually say something.

“I'm sorry, Max. I'm so sorry you have no idea how much. I was convinced that moving away would be the right solution, for both of us, I was convinced that it would never be the same, that being more than friends with you was impossible …”

He feels several kisses being deposited on his neck. He'd probably be offended at the dampness hefelt, wetting his shirt, but he couldn't care less. All he can think of is Daniel, Daniel, Daniel.

“I was so stupid. I can't even bear to be away from you from Max. I am sorry I love you. I am sorry.”

He pulls back in a breath. Good God. They are not pretty right now. Eyes already reddened, tears making furrows on their cheeks, look stunned, bewildered, defeated. The very figure of despair. What did they do ? What decisions did they have been making ? He doesn't know, he can't make up his mind, to know why they never choose the easier path. Maybe because they are immeasurable idiots.

He leans forward and Daniel's lips are on his. He takes advantage of the sensation. Too much saliva, probably. The salty taste of their tears that have not finished falling, drying. Far from perfection. And yet, and yet ... it tastes like a hazardous first time, it tastes like evenings in front of some movie, to laugh about it, cuddling up against each other, it tastes of defeat, of victory, of shared podiums, it tastes of their disappointments, their hopes, a prospect for the future … and so much more.

“Stay.” Max whispered barely detached from Daniel's lips “Come back. Don't leave me, don't leave me anymore. Please.”

“I don't think I can get my apartment back. My buyer liked it very much.” laughs the Australian but it sounds sadder to their ears, devoid of the usual cheerfulness that inhabits him.

“So don't buy anything. Just move in with me.”

The audacity of his proposal is crazy and leaves them both surprised, out of breath. He never thought he could be so enterprising. And maybe his partner never thought he could be so enterprising either but that doesn't seem to bother him. At best, it seems like it’s pleasing him.

He knows himself that it might not be a good idea. That they can clash so many times that they can tear each other apart. But he also knows that they have a hard time living apart, he also knows that he has never lived better days than by being with him. Than by waking up by his side, by sharing his routine, his daily life with him. Only him.

Daniel's eyes shine, no longer from tears this time, a spark of craziness and temptation, the one he always saw shining in his eyes with every race, with every challenge, that spark that characterizes him so much … considering actually the offer.

Before kissing his lips again, sliding a hand down his cheek, stroking it with the tip of his thumb, almost absent-mindedly.

“Yeah. Yeah let's do that.”

Later, when Max answers an interview in that very same apartment, he comes across the question. The fateful question. He smirks vaguely, his chest swelling with gentle heat, despite himself. A home, a place he can call home, his home.

“He lived here, but he moved.”

And in itself, that’s not a lie.

People just don't have to know that this is his apartment that Daniel moved to and nowhere else after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Here were are, small story launched into the gc ...
> 
> finally managed to finish this idea we had way too long ago. Urgh ... was almost hard I swear because of everything around it. I had trouble focusing on what I really wanted to do and if I had this very ending in my head, I still had to link that to the beginning haha. It's not much and it's shorter than what I wanted or thought but it's still valid I guess. Thanks for having read!


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